Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
