nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
