Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
