every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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