I cannot find my penis.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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