I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
bring money and cleavage
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
