Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
