I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
