Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
