So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
