You can't motorboat a personality
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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