My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
