Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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