Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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