Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
