What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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