She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
