Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
