I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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