so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
