I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
