Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
the raccoons are back...
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