sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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