He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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