"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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