She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
