you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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