I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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