my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
