Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
