you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
