I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
