Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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