So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?