Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
