If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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