When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
