My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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