i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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