Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
