I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
