I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
