we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my shit smells like andre
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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