Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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