she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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