She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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