Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
