Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
