Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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