so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
