70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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