i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
