Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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