Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
