just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
