Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
