I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
